Teema: Tänan…

Ükskõik, kuidas Sa teatad, vahet pole.

Kümne aasta pärast näed, et eluarmastus ja tohutu sobivus on muutunud tavaliseks eluks, võib-olla samasuguseks nagu Sul praegu on.

Aga kui palju valu on vahepeal olnud!

Kui teil abikaasaga on suhetes kõik korras, ega siis mingit leebet viisi ei olegi. Niiehknaa tuleb see talle kui välk selgest taevast.
Isiklikult saan sust väga hästi aru, mina olen korduvalt oma abikaasa valinud tema (oma ekselukaaslase) asemel, kuigi hing ja keha ihkavad/õhkavad tema järele. Viimati kohtusime, kui mu noorim laps oli kahe kuune ja siis leppisime kokku, et kasvatame lapsed suureks (temal on üks lasteaiaealine laps, lahutatud) ja siis vaatame, mis edasi saab. Senikaua ei kohtu. Ei helista. Ei kirjuta. Isenesest lihtne, sest elame erinevates linnades. Pereelu huvides hoiame teineteisest eemale. Valikud on ju tehtud. Ja kuna need tollal tundusid ainuõiged, siis milleks hetkel kõike kahtluse alla seada? Ja oma teisele poolele põhjendamatut valu tekitada. Lastelt isa võtta (s.t. isaga eri katuste alla kolida)? Kas see kõik on seda väärt?? MÕtle kui palju kurbust sinna vahele mahub, enne kui kõik lõpuks uuesti õnnelikud ja rahul on. Kas sa tõesti saaksid kooselu temaga nautida, teades, KUI haiget sa oled oma otsustega teinud oma mehele…oma lapsele..? Ütlen ausalt, et mina ei saaks. Praegu veel mitte. Ja sellepärast teen kõik, et oma abikaasa õnnelikuks teha. Sest kui tema on õnnelik, olen ka mina õnnelik (ja vastupidi, eksole). Mõtlen iga päevaga järjest vähem ja vähem oma eksile ja tean, et lõpuks tuleb päev, mmil ma sed aüldse ei tee. No ja kui lapsed suured ja me peaksime juhuslikult kohtudes endiselt õhuliblikaid tundma, siis mõtleme edasi.
Praegu on valikud tehtud ja nii ka on.

Kas sa oma mehest lahutaksid ka siis kui eluarmastust ei oleks silmapiiril? Kui ei, siis see ühe mehe väljavahetamine teise vastu .. nohh… mis seal muud, kui ütledki nii nagu on.

Sa tead iga oma keharakuga, mis on tegelikult õige. Sa tead oma südames, mis päriselt on õige ja aus. Kui see mees, keda sa oma eluarmastuseks pead, seda tõesti on, siis sa peadki oma abikaasale asja ausalt ära rääkima. Tõeline armastus on haruldus. 90% inimkonnast elab tegelikult harjumusest koos, kui esimene kirje-ja armumisaeg on möödas. Enamasti saadaksegi esimese 3-5 kooselu aasta jooksul lapsed ning siis jäädakse nende pärast kokku. Kui omavahel hullu kisklemist pole, siis \”mängitakse\” heade inimestena laste pärast perekonda, aga tõelist tunnet teineteise suhtes pole. Lapsed pole lollid, nad tajuvad ära, kui vanemate vahel päriselt tõmmet pole ning kiirustavad kibekiiresti ise suhtesse teravaid elamusi otsima või siis on liiga kaua vanatüdrukud ja vanapoisid, kartes alateadlikult samasugust vegeteerimist. Teil on laste ees seletamatu süütunne, sest me kõik tegelikult ju teame, et elu eesmärk on päriselt, tõeliselt ja tingimusteta armastada ja ükski ühiskonna norm, ega sisse programmeeritud käitumine ei õigusta endale, oma lastele ja elukaaslasele näkku valetamist (hea näo tegemist halva mängu juures). Kokkuvõtteks – kui sinul on õnn tunda oma tõelist armastust ja kui tema sind ka päriselt armastab, siis – mine kindlasti! Räägi oma abikaasale ausalt ära, et armastad temaga koos veedetud aega, et oled talle südamest elu lõpuni tänulik, austad teda ning pead pühaks iga viimast, kui koosveedetud hetke, aga sa armastad seda teist meest. Oled teda alati armastanud, aga püüdnud ratsionaalselt hea inimese kombel teiste jaoks hea olles iseennast alla suruda. Nüüd sa enam ei suuda teiste nägemuse järgi elada, sa tahad ise oma elu elada, ise õnnelik olla. Kiida oma abikaasat, räägi talle ausalt välja kõik tema positiivsed küljed, täna teda kõige eest ja maini ka ära, mille eest, mis ta on teie kooselu jooksul teinud või kuidas käitunud. Ole aus, ülendav ning julge ja ta mõistab sind. Valu põhjustab vaid mõistmatus, teadmatus, kahtlus ja ebakindlus.

[tsitaat] sest me kõik tegelikult ju teame, et elu eesmärk on päriselt, tõeliselt ja tingimusteta armastada [/tsitaat]

näh, mina naiivik mõtsin, et see tingimusteta armastamine (või tingimusteta armastama õppimine) käibki eelkõige iseenda ja oma lähedaste kohta ega ole ainult ühe müstilise kuldne-kuu-selgas-prints-valgel-hobusel privileeg

Mis seal ikka teada anda nii väga on mehele? Ütledki, et soovid rääkida ja siis teatad, et nüüd on lugu nii, et seesama mees, kellega ma juba ükskord varem meie abielu ajal siin sahmisin on uuesti päevakorras ja sel korral valin ma tema.
Seda siis juhul, kui Su mees teab sellest eelmisest korrast.
Ma eeldan, et teab, jah?

Kui ei tea, siis serveeri, et vana noorusearmastus ja ma valin tema.

Seda ei saa iialgi mehele öelda nii, et see haiget ei teeks. Selleks lihtsalt pole mingit võimalust.
Ja selles on Sul õigus, et kusagil pole garantiid, et kui valid praeguse mehe, ei tule tema Sinu juurde varsti sama jutuga.

Lapsega on vähe keerulisem. Ise tunned oma last kõige paremini.
Aga Sa lapse jätad siis isa juurde või võtad kaasa?

Kaalu plussid ja miinused läbi ja tee oma otsus. Mõnikord on targem kuulata oma mõistuse häält, mitte südant.

Mina arvan, et mees tunneb suurt kergendust, kui teemaalgatajast valevorstist lahti saab. Mõelge nüüd ise, kui teie saaksite teada, et kaaslane on juba pikemat aega kõrvale pannud. Ainukene asi, mis mehele haiget võib teha on teadmine, et on oma elu raisanud valeliku inimese peale. Ptyi, kole mõelda!

Teemaalgataja jahutamiseks

http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/200910/beyond-betrayal-life-after-infidelity (eriti peatükk \”Romantic Infidelity\”)

http://media.affairrecovery.com.s3.amazonaws.com/docs/31reasons.pdf

Lõik Frank Pittmani raamatust \”Private Lies\” põhjendustega miks afäärist alguse saanud kooselud ei kesta (lahutuste protsent on 75%):

THE DEFECTS OF ROMANTIC 2ND MARRIAGES..
1) The intervention of Reality: Divorce in these marriages tends to take place very early in the marriage. During the affair, the infidel and perhaps the affairee are in a state of intensely stimulating unreality. The second marriage itself seems to be a switch that throws the lights on and illuminates the mess that has accumulated. It is as if the romance had seemed real, while the divorce didn’t. Only after the remarriage did the divorce become real enough for the lovers to see that it was all a horrible mistake. The affairs that become marriages typically were so intense they were never questioned at all. During the divorce, reality never set in sufficiently to let the romance be evaluated and questioned. The romance was so romantic no one ever got around to asking if it was sane.

2) Guilt: People who have wrecked a family have inflicted much pain, and they have a lot they could feel guilty about. As reality sets in, they see many things they were overlooking. They may have felt no guilt during the affair and divorce, and the guilt they feel after the romantic marriage may come as a suprise to both of them. It is generally assumed that people who don’t permit themselves to be happy must be feeling guilty about something and are unhappy as a way of punishing themselves for their misdeeds. One aspect of guilt is the reluctance to enjoy ones ill-gotten gains. Another aspect of guilt is the urge to return to the scene of the crime and in some way make amends. As a romantic newlywed resists the joys of the ex-mate who was deserted so blithely, the new mate can feel disoriented and betrayed.

3) Disparity of sacrifice: Divorces are expensive luxuries. Whatever the financial cost, the emotional cost is far greater. Anyone after losing that much, will be drained, exhausted and depressed. It is particularly difficult when the exhausted survivor of a debilitating divorce marries the triumphant winner of the struggle. If the romantic partner is marrying for the first time, and especially if the courtship has been treacherous and insecure, the new mate will be ecstatic. A new couple may feel a disparity in what had to be sacrificed to bring them together. The partner who has never been divorced may have difficulty understanding the complexity of emotions toward the previous family.

4) Expectations: Then there is the feeling that anything that cost this much emotionally had damn well better be worth it. The greater the sacrifices, the greater the expectations from the new marriage. Now that the promised land has been reached, it should flow with milk and honey. But instead, the new couple are just 2 tired warriors with no fight left in them. Whatever these people were expecting, the best they are likey to find now is the ordinariness of real life, the dubious peace between glorious battles. The more people enjoy the battles involved in wrecking and escaping marriages, the less they are likely to enjoy the business as usual of the new marriage that was the destination of it all.

5) General Distrust of Marriage: Of course, anyone who has been unhappily married is likely to develop a strong distrust of the institution of marriage. People whose marriages fell apart during affairs are likey to end up distrusting marriages rather than distrusting affaris. People who distrust marriage have a vey hard time being in one.

6) Distrust of affairee: It might seem appropriate for someone to go out with them, or even to marry them, but not quite appropriate for someone to have an affair with them. Affairs are considered dishonerable acts, and peope who feel guilty for having affairs believe that they are dishonorable and their partner must be dishonorable too.

7) Divided Loyalties: During the affair tnd the divorce, the romantic couple isolate themselves. It is not only the betrayed spouses who are erased from awareness, but also the children, the families, friends, anyone who attempts to pull the romantic couple from the quicksand of their affair. But after the remarriage, there may be a longing to reestablish connections with families and friends and this may be more difficult than expected. Each close relationship and some that were amazingly casual may have to be renegotiated in view of the hurt caused to others.

8) The nature of infidels: People who get themselves into affairs have some specific characteristics that must influence the course of their subsequent marriages. Each kind of infidel is different. Most of those who end up marrying an affair partner are romantics who drift hypnotically through this romantic high without taking much responsibility. Romantic remarriage seldom works, not only because of th unrealistic nature of romance, but also because of the reality-avoiding nature of romantics.

9)The nature of affairees: Affairees want whatever they want from a relationship, just as everyone else does, but what makes them unusual is that they seek their goals among the married rather than the single. They choose partners who are not in position to marry them, and who are engaging in the relationship at great risk. People like this are clearly angry with marriage, and perhaps with the opposite sex. They believe marriage doesn’t work, and they demonstrate that by breaking up another marriage as they find a partner for themselves.

10) Romance: People who believe in the chemistry of romance dont bother to learn much about the physics of relationships. When the romance begins to fade, romantics know little about how to solve those problems that they have relied on romance to transcend. It is painful to watch a romantic relationship dissolve. It happens so suddenly, and so totally. These people have already demonstrated that they would rather get divorced than learn physics, so it is far easier for them to follow the same pattern.

11) Scapegoating of cuckolds: During the affair and divorce, the romantic couple conspired to convince each other that the defective marriage was the fault of the cuckold. To acknowledge otherwise, now that remarriage has taken place, seems a betrayal of the rescue fantasies that fed the romance.

12) Unshared history: Even if the new marriage survives all of these obstacles, there is one further characteristic of all second marriages: The absence of a shared history that brings familiarity to relationships that began earlier in life. If a romantic marriage has wrecked a previous marriage or two, the history of the relationship is painful to both partners, and possibly somewhat embarrasing to others. The new partners keep thinking about it and justifying it, but it is hard to talk about lightly, in the familiar, safe manner of people who can tell their old war stories without guilt. However intense their commitment, people who share a guilty past aren’t totally proud of their new marriage.

Väga kummaline naine. Ja tundub hästi omakasupüüdlik.
Kooselu ja abielu on lisaks armastusele ka teineteise austamine.
See naine pole austanud kumbagi poolt, ei oma meest kellega elab ja ka oma uut armukest.
Tõepoolest suur pettumus tema mehele, et on elanud kaua mitteusaldusväärse tüübiga.
Emotsioonide talitsemine ja mõtlemine tuleb vahel kasuks.

Huvitav,mida loodab too inimene siit foorumist. Et kas saab õigustuse oma teguviisile või leiab hoopis uusi tagantõukeid uuteks pettusteks.
Selline kahtlev ja kahevahel tegelane tundub olema.

Inimestel võib ikka omavaheline säde ju tekkida. Tuleks vist austada ka teise osapoole lähedasi ja asjassepuutuvaid, ning nende elu mitte peapeale pöörata.
Aga elada teadmises, et oled elanud pikalt valedes ja teistele haiget teinud või nende elu rikkunud on oluliselt piinarikkam….